I recently came across some old letters and emails I had written many years ago to my now-adult son. After reading them I messaged him and told him how sorry I am for him having been raised by such a harsh mom, and that if I had it to do over again I would do it so differently. I told him if only I’d known then what I know now.
I told him, and I hope with all hope that it’s the truth, that I am a different person today than I was when I had him at 16.
Being the kind, caring, and gentle person that he is, he reassured me that he is grateful I’m his mom, is content with his upbringing, and that if nothing else at least it gives us good things to look back on and laugh about.
But I raised him with a consciousness of scarcity. I taught him that it’s a dog eat dog world. A cruel world. An eye for an eye. That nothing in life comes free. I believe I also inadvertently taught him that there is something good and noble in not prospering, in doing without.
“Besides, Mom, ” he said, “nobody gets it right the first time.” Well I can’t argue with that but it’s little consolation as I feel he’s going to have to spend a lifetime unlearning every falsity that I taught him. And if anyone has taught you that the world is cruel, well it certainly shouldn’t be your own mom!
I hope it doesn’t take him as many years as it’s taken me to see, feel, and live the Truth. That the world is in fact good and kind. And there is nothing noble or healthy in struggling. That life and success do not need to be a struggle. Everything you want is downstream, so get in the water and go with the flow! It’s not to say you won’t have to row, it’s still up to you to move and guide the direction. But struggle? No, it’s not your job to struggle.
My son is a light in this world. Perhaps growing up believing the world is dark, he made it his mission to be a light for others. If that was his plan he sure is succeeding.
And Jess if you ever read this, thank you for your forgiveness, understanding, and love. You are one of my life’s greatest treasures and one of my life’s greatest teachers. Thank you for being on this journey with me.
